PISS REPORT SPECIAL UPDATE
Robert Sylvester Kelly has been acquitted of child pornography charges, for real it’s right here. The tape was inconclusive here’s a quote from juror John Petraean :
“Most of us felt that maybe it was Kelly, maybe not,” said juror John Petrean, a Romanian immigrant. “But nobody could agree if it was her. We had seen photos of her at other times and she seemed like a young girl. It seemed like the girl on the tape was much more developed.”
So it may or may not have been R and his Goddaughter in the video but most of the jury (but maybe not….?) agreed it wasn’t enough to convict him. Some Romanian immigrant couldn’t tell her age along with the rest of the jury and that’s all we really know. The most important thing is that there was pissing and dude pissing allegedly had the same mole as R on his back. It’s important to me because I want R free but like the idea of him as a pisser.
Conclusion, it’s safe to say R is a pisser and that my friends, provided the pissee is of legal consenting age, is 100% legal.
Whitey is already upset about the verdict. That calloused hand having, Howard Stern listening stand up guy who loves his wife and family even though he’s constantly touching himself dreaming about the Maxim Hot 100 and flirting with waitresses thinks this is a case of a rich celebrity getting off. We’ve already heard the OJ comparison being thrown around because OJ got off and is a black celebrity. When white celebrities shoot, rape, kill and have a million affairs they are just troubled, usually by their fame and can always get a second chance on some VH1 show but R Kelly is not getting that pass.
My questions for those who think R should have gone down are simple then :
1. Is pissing on a consenting adult (as far as we know) the same as murder? We don’t know the age of the girl so let’s just go on fact, a chick was pissed on in a VHS tape (this shit is so old that it’s on VHS). This is legal.
Pissing on people is totally legal and protected by the constitution (which is kind of awesome, USA, USA!) . This isn’t New Zealand where you can’t show pissing on people (Fuck that place!)
My friend Jamie pissed on me and a few people by mistake on the balcony at Bungalow 8 once, should I have him brought up on charges? The answer is no. You just wash whatever was pissed on and move on.
2. We know for a fact that the OJ trial wasn’t about money as this trial allegedly was. People were murdered in cold blood, most likely by a dude who’s DNA was all over everything, the guy who ran away from police…remember ( though I respect a man who won’t talk to police).
R wasn’t hiding, the evidence was a sketchy ass tape, the victims family was divided and there was money to be made.
I don’t think anyone on earth doesn’t think that R Kelly is fucking insane, if you’ve seen Trapped In the Closet and simply wondered “Wow is this really going to be one song with one cadence for 48 parts? Is this funny on purpose? Is that the dude from the Wire?” you know R is on a different level. But unlike most of us R’s eccentricities are on the surface, Urolagnia is a common fetish, I bet some of your parents, teachers, friends and co-workers like a golden shower or have at least pissed on their sig other in the shower once.
He’s crazy but he’s not hiding it unlike your parents and teachers and I respect that.
Sorry folks, R is probably a pisser but as of June 14. 2008 his only crime is having a weirdly trimmed hairline, even though that’s legal too it’s a crime to me. He should have someone who can give him a good shape up.
Regular skeptical white guy and girl who got pissed on in college and hates men, please stop comparing R to OJ, take a fishing trip or slam a bunch of sugary drinks and make out with a guy in Abercrombie gear that kind of looks like David Beckham while I listen to Double Up in the name of R and his freedom.
TAGS: Pisser, R. Kelly, Verdict
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June 14th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
Weird how they were able to stack to jury with 9 men and only 3 women.
June 14th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
Funny funny funny…R Kelley is always great material but you nailed this one bro. (remember the Fiesta single remix on the “inspiration” wall at 38)
“My friend Jamie pissed on me and a few people by mistake on the balcony at Bungalow 8 once, should I have him brought up on charges? The answer is no. You just wash whatever was pissed on and move on.”
You tell white chicks to make out w a guy who kinda looks like David Beckham while you double up, ha!
June 14th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
Piss Report…hands down my favorite column.
June 14th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
Haters wanna hate, lovers wanna love… If the Shaun Bell shooters get to go free, the least we can give Black America is the freedom of one of their best entertainers. I can’t wait for his next triumphant jam…
June 14th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
This should have never even gone to court after D.Chappelle said this:
http://www.mediafire.com/?lmvgu3jjx00
June 14th, 2008 at 4:27 pm
So guys think this is funny. Shocker. I keep rereading “girl who got pissed on in college and hates men, please stop comparing R to OJ,” and I can’t help but think, is he suggesting this is something that only happens to women that put themselves in sketchy situations? Maybe I’m misinterpreting what your point is, but what is your point? 1 in 3 females in this country is sexually abused before the age of eighteen. What I think is funny is that dudes that think Hillary bashing is sexist, seem to be able to find humor in peeing on a child.
June 14th, 2008 at 4:59 pm
No one is making light of sexual abuse or implying that drunk college chicks deserve to get pissed on, they might get pissed on but they don’t deserve it. A court tried R Kelly and he was acquitted this is one of the perks of living in a free country. I think you’re making judgments and inferences based on your feelings on the subject not the facts. And yes I do think consenting adults pissing on each other is funny as hell because it is. My point is that I love R Kelly and I’m happy to see justice being served. GO LAKERS! GO KOBE!
June 14th, 2008 at 5:18 pm
Well, I think you did make light of it. But whatever, if you really think that is a videotape of two consenting adults then fine. I’m all for pissing in that regard. What I have a difficult time with, is the fact that 9 men and only 3 women made this call. So for me, the loud mouth femmy, I have a huge issue with saying “justice has been served” and fuck yeah it reminds me of OJ.
June 14th, 2008 at 6:47 pm
I didn’t see the tape because until today it may or may not have been child pornography (which I don’t watch) so I can only go by what the court says. I hope you didn’t watch it without knowing that’s weird but since you know more about it than me, maybe you did. We seem to be operating off two assumptions that the jury didn’t agree with : that it’s R in the video and that it’s an under-aged woman. I think it’s fucked that you don’t think men can make unbiased decisions I guess I don’t really understand the judicial system or piss trials.
June 14th, 2008 at 8:02 pm
Lissa, feminists don’t call politicians they don’t like dykes on public forums. No one on this blog has ever written that Hillary bashing is sexist in it of itself. There’s been stuff about the media using ugly, unflattering pictures of Hillary as being sexist—which it is.
June 15th, 2008 at 12:02 am
All proper Constitutional considerations were met:
A defendant has the right to have the jury selected from a pool that is a representative cross-section of the community. A defendant does NOT, however, have the right to proportional representation of all groups on his/her particular jury.
Further, although peremptory challenges of potential jurors may be made for any reason, the Equal Protection Clause of the Constitution bars the use of peremptory challenges based on race or gender.
I’m sure R.’s lawyers avoided older women / conservatives, but that’s what good attorneys do.
Don’t hate the playa, hate the game…
June 15th, 2008 at 4:23 pm
Touche! I owe you guys an apology, I didn’t read the sarcasm very well at first.