The Palinator (an author published in a couple dozen countries whose agent would hang him for revealing his name) takes you with him on his train-of-thought ride through last night’s debate (complete with brief detours into tales of fatherhood and beach balls).
Enjoy:
(Author’s note: I got home late and watched the debate delayed, so all times are local, as recorded in my living room.)
9:38 – Ooh. Bad color on Gwen…an emerald green muumuu? She looks like she was just kicked out of Oz.
9:39 – Sarah Palin asks Biden: “Can I call you Joe?” Are you fucking serious? How about, “No, just call me VP.”
9:40 – Coin toss? It’s like football?
9:41 – I hate the requisite “Thank you’s.” So stupid. No doubt Palin will thank and thank and thank and thank St. Louis trying to run out the clock.
9:42 – Shit, I’m already bored by Biden. Gimme Palin. I want blood.
9:42 – Joe got me back. He seems relaxed and coherent. Someone must’ve slipped him a valium.
9:43 – Here’s Sarah. Holy shit, one minute in and she already mentioned “soccer” and said “betcha.” Okay, first impressions – she seems coherent, but robotic. Maybe she is a robot. No, a fembot, like in Austin Powers. I think she’s gonnna shoot Biden w/ her breasts.
9:44 – Biden’s hair is really weird. Not just now, but always. A woman I know took a train w/ “Amtrak Joe” during what she described “the plugging years.” Hair plugs = bad.
9:45 – Weird; when Biden talks, he doesn’t move his body. Just his head. Weird.
9:46 – My god, Palin just winked at me. Shit, she said “mavericks.” So fucking lame. She’s looking right at the camera like a deer in the headlights. Maverick count = 2.
9:47 – HA! Gwen called them on not answering the question. But then didn’t press them on it. Why?
9:47 – Palin: “Darn right, it was the predator lenders.” Yeah, wouldn’t expect any Americans to do simple math on what they could afford. Sure, American’s have got ingenuity, but don’t expect them to add. That’s just wrong.
9:48 – Fuck. She used “hockey moms” AND “Joe Six-pack” in the same sentence. Double fuck – she’s not blazingly incoherent. But she doesn’t believe in using the “g”s God put at the end of words. Everythin’s hurtin’.
9:49 – This format sucks. It’s too fast, all bullet-points, not enough follow up by Gwen. I don’t see this getting contentious at all like Obama vs. McCain got. That’s good for Palin.
9:50 – Boorrrrrrring. Talkng points, talking points, talking points. I think Biden is actually talking, Palin is just spewing. But she’s doing well. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I hate her.
9:51 – Nice rebuttal, Joe. Ooooooooh, McCain voted 477 times to raise taxes. AND the governor didn’t answer the question! Yeah, you go Joe!
9:52 – Palin: “I’m still on the tax thing.” And then: “I may not answer the questions like the moderator wants”?? WTF? Why not just go Faulkner on our ass and do the stream of consciousness “thing.”
9:53 – SNAP! Gwen cuts Sarah off for time. HA!
9:53 – Joe seems empathetic. Nice, I feel like he’s talking to me. I like the “value set” comment. Joe seems to be better at timing his answers.
9:55 – Oh, here it comes. Lambasting Biden for the “patriotic” paying taxes comment. Oh right, McCain’s always been in the middle class. Son of an admiral. Right.
9:56 – I hate this smiling bitch. And I think that’s the biggest flag pin I’ve ever seen. I’m surprised she can stand.
9:58 – “ULTIMATE BRIDGE TO NOWHERE!” Biden gets the first laugh and first “moment.”
9:59 – Biden wants to slow down doubling foreign assistance. Good answer. Americans hate foreigners. I think Biden’s hitting his stride. Or as Palin would say “hittin’ his stride, you betcha.”
10:00 – My wife is yelling at me. She wants me to stop blogging. I have to blow up an insanely large beach ball for my son’s second birthday.
10:01 – Oh fuck, Palin’s referencing the stupid “telling one thing to one group and another thing to another group.” Right out of her stump speech. Bitter, ain’t she?
10:02 – Oh, if Biden doesn’t go after her for the—
I stopped blogging for five minutes to blow up the beach ball. It’s enormous. I’m not sure if I made any progress.
10:07 – Palin: “Your ticket’s energy ticket.” Nice quote, Sarah. Shit, “East coast politicians”? You know what she means, don’t you, middle America? Jews! She means Jews!
10:09 – Ooooh, she’s the governor of the “nation’s only Arctic state.” Is that good? Maybe she should be president of Canada. Though I todn’t think they have presidents. I don’t know, I hate Canada. Blah, blah, blah. Palin doesn’t want to argue about the causes of global warming. Right. Okay, so far, absolutely no answer.
10:10 – Biden: “[Climate change] is man made.” Nice answer, Joe. Simple, makes Palin’s answer look like what it was – a non-answer.
10:12 – “Drill, baby, drill!”
10:13 – Did Palin just call him “Senator O’Biden?”
10:13 – What is this “All of the above” bullshit? Do you lead the country by taking a multiple-choice exam? If so, I think I’d do really well. I’m great at multiple-choice tests. I’d kill to find out Palin’s SAT scores. Do they even have SATs in the “Arctic”?
10:15 – Fuck, going into gay rights. I’m pro-gay marriage, but it’s a loser from an electoral standpoint on the Democratic side. Can’t wait to see what Sarah says. Okay, nice gay-bashing, Sarah. Ooooh, she’s “tolerant.” Wow, she has friends that DON’T EVEN AGREE WITH HER! Amazing. No, she doesn’t know any gay people, but she does know non-gay-haters! How tolerant.
10:17 – Fuck, could Gwen press Sarah on her answers? So far, I give Gwen a C-minus.
10:18 – My wife’s still blowing up the beach ball. It’s insane. Christ, now it’s my turn.
10:25 – Okay, I’ve been blowing up the ball for seven minutes, mostly w/ this pump we have. We’re not sure it’s working. Okay, I’ve checked and it IS working, but slowly. Jesus, this is ridiculous. It shouldn’t be this hard to prepare for a two-year-old’s birthday party.
10:26 – Oh crap, the stupid “preconditions” comment. So tired.
10:27 – Right, Sarah. B/c who’s more passionate about diplomacy than Kissinger?
10:29 – Ah, the stupid McCain won’t meet w/ Spain comment.
10:31 – Ooh, Joe Biden’s referring to himself in the third-person, Bob Dole-style. He’s goin’ old school, bitch! Remember Norm MacDonald’s Bob Dole impression? Fucking priceless.
10:32 – I don’t think ANYONE has mentioned Bush yet. Why not? Gwen, Joe, wake the fuck up.
10:33 – Palin: “Finger-pointing backwards”? How the hell do you finger-point forward? Christ, another maverick comment. Maverick count = 3.
10:34 – Biden’s saying “George Bush’s” every other word. It’s like he read my mind. Jeez, Joe’s goin’ to town. Never noticed this, but it sounds funny when you say “George Bush’s” again and again and again. Try it, you’ll see.
10:35 – Palin: Nuclear weapons would kill “too many” people? So, other weapons would kill “just enough” people?
10:37 – Joe’s doing a nice job making McCain seem extreme.
10:38 – Okay, I know I’m biased, but Palin just sounds like she’s reading off cards.
10:42 – I hate the way Palin says “Americans”. Sounds like “Amerhikens.” And I hate her smile. Goddammit I hate her smile.
10:43 – Biden does a nice job of conflating McCain-Cheney.
10:45 – Shit, Palin is doing well. Oh Christ – McCain “knows what evil is.” What the fuck does that mean? Oh, and McCain “knows how to win a war.” How? Did he win in Vietnam? Or is he just really good at World of Warcraft?
10:47 – Palin on whether she & McCain agree on everything: “What do expect? We’re two mavericks!” Maverick count = 4. Oh, and Palin’s gonna get rid of greed on Wall Street. That’ll be easy. We can just replace all those greedy people that work in banks with money-hating socialists.
10:49 – Yeah! Evidently Joe spends TONS OF TIME in Home Depot! He practically lives there. Ask Joe where the nail guns are, he’ll tell ya. He knows Home Depot.
10:50 – Palin says “Doggonit.” Makes me wonder if she ever saw Deadwood. Cocksuckers. Okay, so Biden’s wife’s reward for being a teacher is in heaven. Cuz she ain’t getting’ a raise! That should be the new recruitment policy – become a teacher, go to heaven. Oh, and a shout out to 3rd graders. Awesome. And here’s to my dead homies.
10:51 – My wife just finished blowing up the beach ball. Halle-fuckin-lujah.
10:52 – Shit, Palin’s hit her stride. She’s in the home stretch.
10:53 – Oh no. There are 10 small beach balls that also need to be blown up. We’re fucked.
10:57 – Palin references Reagan’s “Shining city on a hill.” My wife says Reagan didn’t say it first, that John Winthrop said it on some boat. I just Wikipedia’d it – my wife’s right. Winthrop said it in 1630 on the Arbella. Learn something new every day.
10:59 – Shit, real human moment from Biden about his dead wife and daughter. Joe just won.
11:00 – Oh god, Palin response to Joe’s human moment was to call McCain a maverick. Great response. Maverick count = 5. Whoa, there’s another maverick. Maverick count = 6. Oh, wow, McCain’s even got the support of the biggest fascist in the world—Rudy Guiliani! Awesome! What a maverick!
11:01 – Whoa, Biden just countered Palin and personally threw out FOUR MAVERICKS IN A ROW (as in “John McCain’s not a maverick”)! There’s another maverick! Biden’s on a tear! Another one! That’s six! And another one! And another! We’re at eight mavericks, folks, do I hear nine? YES! A NINTH MAVERICK! In one fell swoop, Biden exceeded Palin’s maverick count by a stunning 50%!
11:02 – My wife has officially declared Biden the winner (and last debate she said McCain won, so she’s not as crazy-biased as me).
11:04 – Sarah Palin claims she’s never compromised. Well, except for that time Todd convinced her to do anal. But that was the only time.
11:08 – Nice shot across the bow at the mainstream media from Sarah Palin. Yeah! Fuck you, Katie Couric! You… you… mainstreamer!
11:09 – Another Reagan shout out by Palin. That’s two Reagan’s and six mavericks. Ooh, in the future, “we’ll tell our children how once we were free” before the robots took over. But John Connor will save us. I know he will, b/c I’ve seen all three Terminator movies (T3 sucked) AND I watch The Sarah Connor Chronicles. Seriously, though, are we really heading to a time when we’re not free? Is someone going to enslave us (besides the robots, I mean)? And what IS Sarah’s Robot-policy.
11:11 – Nice ending monologue by Joe.
11:12 – Sarah’s thanking everyone. Thank you, thank you, thank you… she’s so fucking thankful that she didn’t fuck up. Holy shit, looks like she’s going to kiss Biden. What is wrong with this woman? Oh look, there’s little baby Trig. They really love trotting out that kid. I’ve got to say, as a father of two, if I know one thing it’s that babies love debates.
11:13 – Commentary: David Brooks is “amazed” at Palin’s performance and thought she came across as Joe’s equal. I hate to say it, but I agree. She didn’t win, but she held her own. Bitch. Mark Shields says that he bets Democrats are disappointed that Palin didn’t “implode.” True dat. True dat.
Okay, I’ve got to go. I’ve got beach balls to blow up.
TAGS: Babies, banks, bullshit, Bush, climate change, David Brooks, debate, dog, ep, fascist, free, George Bush, global warming, god, Jesus, Joe Biden, John McCain, mccain, Movie, NATO, NSA, obama, President, Rap, Sarah Palin, war
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