Blogging on Meds

Natalie Portman, perhaps jerked-off to by more hip graphic designers than any other female or at least tied with Scar-Jo. My Portman time-line goes like this :

Didn’t give a shit, went to Harvard still didn’t give a shit, plays a stripper in a movie where Clive Owen is real cool and things start getting interesting, watch Garden State and think it’s a horror movie, V is for Who Gives a Shit? Back to being not interested, and then Rushmore licked her ass on iTunes or something. Notice Star Warzzzzz isn’t mentioned.

Verdict - Hot chick who is jerked off to for Shins, Veganism, Comic Book and Star Wars affiiations. Things that don’t interest me. I don’t have a fantasy of turning her onto the new Shit Wolf record while we eat Pepper Seitan Skewers overlooking the Brooklyn water front but she’s a million times cooler than Jennifer Anuston or something.

Recently she’s been hanging with Devendra and that was too close to the gene pool for me. If she wants to pork shitty Hollyweird dudes or go to Moby shows fine but dating a mildly talented long haired bearded guy actually is frustrating. I want to write her off as the annoyingly hot pre-cursor to Juno but when she’s dating a Venezuelan douche who plays Tyrannosaurus Rex covers shirtless with paint on his chest I really feel like someone got over on me. Devendra is essentially your annoying “finding himself” trustfund guy that’s someone’s roommate that you don’t really like, too close to home. It’s the tortured artist version of the kiss ass male airhead dude in the office getting the promotion you wanted and then trying to give you a high five.

I wrote Nat off another Pitchforker and was stressed about how Hip the world has become because a real actress is dating a dude like this, it’s differentt than Winona dating Soul Asylum dude because that dude was never actually cool but in some regards Devendra (a dude I’m negative into) did something cool and original no matter how fake-hippie cultured kid it is. There was something rooted in an interesting idea and culture not a bro with dreads looking for someone to shove.

So the few brain cells I had left were freed up for thinking someone else was mildly cool and attractive. That was until the NY Post came out today and showed Nat getting pissed on by a dog.

This is a win /win.

1. It’s the closest to Piss Porn we’re ever going to get with Ms.Portman, she’s not going to ever be featured on Goldenshowergirls.com and it’s a dog which really ups the sketch factor. Dudes flipping around the paper go “Man she is so cute, I want to play her this song I wrote in Garageband” then they realize she’s covered in dog pee-pee and they feel weird. They have a similar dog but a not-similar girl friend and weird thoughts are going through their passive aggressive project manager brains. “Hmmm..should I give our min-pin Sebastian too much water tonight and maybe he’ll piss on my super annoying girlfriend?…is that legal?”

2. Her hippie weenie broseph dude is next to her watching his chick get pissed on by some shitty little groomed dog while cameras flash. So yeah his chick is getting pissed on and it’s not by him, it’s not even a human. Sorry homie, you don’t have a gold or plat record but Soul Asylum dude does, Side Show Bob from Counting Crows rolls with more chicks and there isn’t enough acid in the world to change this. Regular dudes win again.

Bonus Points - She’s holding shit too.

Best day ever.

RELATED POSTS:

• Program:Repeat films
• Travis Millard has a new website
• No Value: Waste Of Your Time And My Money
• Today’s Reads
• Today’s Reads

In-case you didn’t know some shitty Hot Topic Tarantino Rockabilly Stripper wrote a shitty / cutesy movie called Juno. White people love it and gave it awards. Your friends say it’s a “cute little movie” because they like the mopey bum out soundtrack (Lucky Mag gave it three smiley faces!) and they have a pervy crush on Ellen Page.

In light of Ellen’s offensive job on SNL this weekend including the most awkward dancing and the worst “sistah” immitation ever put on a television let’s dig into Juno.

In reality a few things aren’t being mentioned about this steaming pile of Urbanian Outfitted Hamburger Phone garbage. Let’s review.

1. Fast Times At Ridgemont High is a real depiction of an unwanted pregnancy laced w/humor. No one in Juno is Damone, Rat, Spicoli or even Forrest Lazyeye so why try to trick me into caring about some shitty doughy second generation Garden State spazz chick or that dude who doesn’t know that he’s not on Arrested Development anymore.

No one in this movie is remotely cool or quotable, I hate the words Home and Skillet. It reminds me of Cheerleader chicks constantly saying “cool beans” in high school and the faint scent of the bile rising in my throat that would make me throw up a little in my mouth upon hearing that combo.

This is not a dramedy , it’s a Horror movie. Children take note, everything won’t be ok if you accidentally drop your seed up in a non-US resident, it’s all bad.

Side Note - Imagine if Henry Winkler got a lot of work after Happy Days and just kept being the Fonz? That would be ridiculous, Mike Cera, cut the fucking shit, it’s stale homie.

2. More Importantly, most importantly this movie and it’s adoring fans are racist. The NPR / Mature Indie Blog crowd wouldn’t give a fuck about an inner city minority girl having an unwanted child but slap some indie-folk and pseudo quirky cast in the mix and we’re hooked. I hate white people. Straight up racist. Basically if some annoying cunt that likes classic rock, plays in a shitty band and has a wacky phone we’re supposed to be “sucked in”. No thanks.

Think about the movie First Blood. We’re supposed to feel bad for Rambo. He’s just an honorable white vet who’s shell shocked from the war, wrong place wrong time. Send ANY black dude into the same situation and you get the same result, he doesn’t have to be a vet. Once again a non story. No white face from the burbs would go see a movie about a black dude who gets unjustly harrassed by police and fights back unless it ends with the black dude being saved from jail time by a hunky white lawyer. If dashing Clive Owen got Denzel off, it would rain Oscars.

Do you think cool black people would want to check out a movie about a black kid who talks with a calm NPR over-annunciated cadence with really supportive , well adjusted parents who push him to go to college while ignoring his rap music loving troublemaker friends? Booooring. Sell out. It’s a non story, though some white douche who distributes free condoms on a veggie oil scooter might worship it.

Therefore, Juno….Racist.

I liked it better when you could spot racism easily.

Don’t support anyone inspired by Betty Paige. Thank you.

If you like this movie, it’s soundtrack or leopard print dresses with flats you are a racist.

RELATED POSTS:

• Searching for the Light: Fox’s Major-Indie Takes On Big Themes (adoption, suicide) But Fails to Transcend Comedy Genre
• Oakland Airport Security – judging a book by its cover
• Ray LeMoine Live at a $350,000 Dem fundraiser.
• nothing to see here: Lawrence, Massachusetts
• A guard, a druggie, a gun — a South Beach tragedy. And more.

My girlfriend always bitches that I never take her to the movies. Trying to be a better guy (a pre-New Years resolution), I agreed to go see Juno with her the other night. All I knew about Juno was a) it was about a teenage girl getting knocked up b) it wasn’t Knocked Up (which I didn’t see either) c) the film’s star Ellen Page got a Golden Globe best actress nomination and d) it was a Fox Searchlight feature, meaning it would be a dark comedy with a bad Indie soundtrack, a VW bus type car, and weird clothes. Fox Searchlight is a boutique studio churning out major-indies. Its most successful release, Little Miss Sunshine, about a whacky family on a road trip in a VW bus, grossed $100 million dollars. I knew Juno was Fox Searchlight’s new Sunshine.

But I did not know adoption was Juno’s central theme.  See, I was adopted, but before we get to that, let me outline the film. Fade in: voiceover of a hipster, Juno (Ellen Page, a smiley, petite 22-year-old brunette) talking about sexy-time. Scene 2: Acoustic Indie tune over an animated Juno walking around drinking Sunny D. Anime fade out: Turns out Juno fucked her best friend, Bleek (Michael Cera), and got pregnant. Then there’s a lot of teen slang-y talk—fitting, annoying. Juno goes to get an abortion but “freaks.” She decides to put the baby up for adoption. She drives around in a beat up minivan–Juno’s version of Sunshine’s VW bus. Juno chooses for her baby a young married couple living in a nice, new suburban home. The wife (Bennifer Garner) is a neurotic wannabe Ritalin mom. The husband (Jason Bateman—he’s great) is an ex-grunge rocker. Juno and adoptive Dad become chummy. Then the Dad tries to hook-up with Juno, telling her he’s leaving his wife. What’s Juno to do?

The fate of the baby is the film’s dramatic tension.

Let’s rewind to a true story set in North Anover, MA. 1978. A teenage girl, Nancy, gets pregnant from her best friend, Kevin. Both Catholics, Nancy decides to have baby (me), then place baby for adoption. Nancy calls a social worker to ask how to do so. Social worker says,  “Me and my husband are looking to adopt.” Nancy meets social worker, Dena, and her husband, Larry, at their nice, new suburban home. Dena is a neurotic wannabe Jewish mother. Larry is an ex-rock photographer and chemist. Nancy and Larry never become chummy, but the fate of this baby was nonetheless Fox Searchlight-approved journey to quirk’s septic end-zone. Here’s one life episode with tones of Little Miss Sunshine.

One of my friend’s in high school, Pete Garland, drove a green VW bus and was the lead singer of a Weezer cover band. This was 1996. Pete dated cute thrift store girls with names like Carolina. Pete hung out in the art room, and made-out in the dark room. Pete’s brother dressed in a black trench coat, but in a mysterious comic book style not Columbine evil. Pete lived on a wooded main road in Boxford, MA–the second richest town in Mass. Novelist Tim O’brien was a neighbor.

I remember Pete’s VW bus. After school we used to park it at the ice cream shop by the lake. (For real, our friend Fmatt worked at Benson’s Ice Cream before he was fired for employee theft.) We’d open the van’s sliding door and blast music while eating free sundaes. Pete obviously loved Weezer but also Promise Ring and other early 90s indie, emo, and hardcore. One time I made a flyer with him for a show his Weezer cover band was playing, some VFW shit. With Piebald and Cavein I think. Pete gave each band a new logo, some squiggly drawings, maybe a symbol, a robot on one wheel named Terrence. 

The last time I saw Pete was in Allston, at a house party in 2000. He was wearing an all white suit, drunk I think, and dancing. He said he’d taken up surfing. He and his new girl wrote surf rock tunes.

A few months later Pete killed himself in his garage by running his car, not the VW bus, but a new car, a grey sedan. His funeral had pictures of the van on the walls. People sang and cried. I loved Pete.

Fox Searchlight may be representing something in their cute, fun films, but realism is not one of them. In real life creative vibrant people are tormented by a society in which they’re required to hide their talents in order to be more employable.

Pete Garland was a talented musician and artist–ten yeas ahead of the mainstream. Pete was funny, smart, and literate, much like the Fox Searchlight characters.  (Unfortunately “quirky” had yet to enter the lexicon in 1994.) But unlike the Proust scholar (Steve Carell) in Sunshine, Pete succeeded in killing himself. Maybe I’m wrong, but in diluting their characters to sketches, Juno and Sunshine cheapen the lives of brilliant, tortured eccentrics like Pete Garland.

Don’t get me wrong; I enjoyed Juno, a lot. The acting, editing, dialogue—all were world class. Ellen Page surely deserves an Oscar nomination. Still, Juno only reaches the highest levels of a commercial film. Take this review of another 2007 film:

“With a story of and for our times, (IT) can certainly be viewed through the smeary window that looks onto the larger world. It’s timeless and topical, general and specific, abstract and as plain. But the film is above all a consummate work of art, one that transcends the historically fraught context of its making, and its pleasures are unapologetically aesthetic. It reveals, excites, disturbs, provokes, but the window it opens is to human consciousness itself.”

This review for There Will Be Blood illustrates what is needed for a film to transcend Hollywood’s profit-driven formula and become art. Juno, by opting for happy-ever-after ending, doesn’t offer much in the way of understanding the human condition. Juno, like Sunshine, hijacks real life—a life I relate to—turning it into whacky comedy. Real life doesn’t end with some whistling funky tune. Juno is fun but it is not art.

RELATED POSTS:

• music video for SAMIAM is DONE!!!
• THIS IS NOT A FILM FESTIVAL AT A TRADE SHOW!
• Program:Repeat is coming!
• Guitar Hero / Gibson Charity Art Auction at SXSW
• Program:Repeat films